I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
