I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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