I am spending my child support on dildos
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
