I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
