I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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