I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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