I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize