So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
A+ Viking dick
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