im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
