I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
