I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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