Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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