were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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