I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
