just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
