There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
