I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
4 words: hood of his car
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
