Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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