Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
