Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
