Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
