I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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