I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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