1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
