Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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