were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
