the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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