Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
