I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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