I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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