umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
