In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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