I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize