Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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