I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Randomize