he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I want her autograph on my taint
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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