dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
