come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
