____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
