you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
