How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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