At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
