Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
