There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
