Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
