you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
