you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize