for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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