Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
