Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He kissed a someone with a penis
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
