I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
