A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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