We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
