My liver just broke up with me...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Boobs are out for the taking
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
