I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just had sex on a roof
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
