rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
