What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
