Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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