I will die if light touches me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
