I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
