what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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