I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
