I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
